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 The Short Life of Kathryn

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PostSubject: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sat Jan 13, 2007 12:19 am

Hi, my name is Kathryn. Right now I am telling you all this from Heaven. I just arrived and it is beautiful. I am but three years old. You see my life was very short. So short it was sad. But I am happy now so I dont want you to cry or be sad. I want you to be happy I am safe.
My parents died in a car crash eleven days after I was born. It was very, very sad. Two days later I went to live with my Auntie Clara and my Uncle Ben. They were very nice in the begining but in the end it turned out bad. Uncle Ben had to work alot and Auntie Clara would always worry about some nice lady he worked with. I dont know why though. That nice lady she worried about always bought me toys. But that was none of my bussiness.
Auntie Clara didnt mean it. I know she didnt, but when she was mad at Uncle Ben she would pick me up and squeeze me tight while telling me about the nice lady. Sometimes I would get scared and cry, other times I would just grin and bear it. But alot of times she would let go when I cried. It was hard to see her mad.
One day Uncle Ben came home with the nice lady. Then Auntie Clara got really mad. She packed my stuff, picked me up, put me in her car, and drove away. By this time I was one and a half. I was a little more alert and knew a little more of what was going on. Auntie Clara cried alot at night. But I pretended like I didnt notice. I didnt even get to say bye to Uncle Ben and The Nice Lady.
Auntie Clara and I lived in a place called Texas. I dont know where it is and I dont know why anyone would name a place Texas. What was his mommy thinking? We lived there until I was two. One day Auntie Clara decided that she wanted to go back and see Uncle Ben and the Nice Lady. Now I know her name is Abbey. When we got to Uncle Ben's and Abbey's house there was a surprise waiting for us. A baby. A little baby. Oh how I wanted to play with it. So much I wanted to play with it. But I couldnt. When Auntie Clara saw the tiny baby she picked me up and we left, again.
According to the doctors, Auntie Clara fell into a deep depression. After the doctor said she could go home she left. We both went back to our tiny aparment. Six days later Auntie Clara died. I had no one to help me. I got hungry, I had inheirited a rash, and I was very tired. I became very sad. By the time someone found me I had lost about five pounds, and was very malnurished.
I died at the hospital the first night I was there. Before I died Uncle Ben and Abbey came to see me. They were going to take me home and love me. I wanted them to take me home and love me. I love everything. My mom and dad, my Auntie Clara, my home, and all the love. But when Uncle Ben and Abbey came I got so excited. I thought I would live. But while I was sleeping my kidneys failed. I went to Heaven, where I am now. I am very happy and I see Uncle Ben and Abbey crying by my crib but I tried to tell them I was ok. I am happy and out of pain now. I dont want anyone to cry or be sad. But be happy, I am happy!


Sorry but I am not good at writing stories....this is my first official short story. Be honest with me tell me what you think about it!
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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sat Jan 13, 2007 12:50 am

Don't say you aren't good at writing stories, you did a very good job w/ this one!
I like how it's told through a little girl's innocent perspective. Also, how you implied that Kathryn's uncle had an affair w/o actually stating that he had an affair. Even I have trouble implying things; I always want to just blurt them out.
I do have one thing to nitpick- modern medicine has come a long way and I think it probably would have been highly possible for them to save her life. Then again, I myself am having trouble w/ one of my stories that involves someone dying from an infected broken leg (and the person died waaaaay before modern medicine), so I think that was a good ending.

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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sat Jan 13, 2007 9:58 am

Thank you....Yeah after I started writing it I wasnt really sure how she was going to die so when I got towards the end I just ended it with something silly and less likely to happen. But thank you!
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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sat Jan 13, 2007 2:36 pm

I know it's hard to make characters die. Especially since I get so attached to mine, it's like, noooooo, why'd you have to die?!!! So, I often cushion the endings by making them bittersweet, like you did w/ yours. Bittersweet is when the ending is sad, but something good does come out of it, like in your story where she dies, but gets to go to heaven.

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May your ka live, and may you spend millions of years, you lover of Thebes, sitting with your face to the north wind, and your eyes beholding happiness.
--inscribed on the Wishing-Cup of Tutankhamun
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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sat Jan 13, 2007 3:30 pm

I know....I get to attached. Then I feel sad. but yeah. Thats why I made her go to heaven....bc I felt sad...like I just imagine what if that happened to me....so I had to make it somewhat happy!
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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Thu Mar 08, 2007 11:51 pm

Hey Puppy Wink

That was very well written as well. Although you could've made it a bit more from the view of a child, to be honest- let me explain what I mean. When she said the word malnurished, and things like that, you could have said something that would seem a bit more sensible, maybe like, "they said I was malnurished, although I really don't know that they meant, but I can tell you I didn't feel good." Things like that can make the story more interesting, and it makes it more heartfelt because it really sounds like it's coming from a child.

I did enjoy it though, and you have talent, and the more you write, the better you get Very Happy
Bri
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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sat Mar 10, 2007 5:42 pm

Haha, don't worry, Brittany, I'm having similar trouble with Kiya right now. She's supposed to be this careless, 14-year-old who could care less about anything beyond her own world. Yet she uses some very big, academic words that her brother would look better using.

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--inscribed on the Wishing-Cup of Tutankhamun
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PostSubject: Re: The Short Life of Kathryn   Sun Apr 01, 2007 4:33 pm

I agree with what bri was saying about maybe changing a few little things to make it seem more from the view of a child but I think for the most part, it's really good. And you pretty much did a good job of that, there's just a few things. But this story is very neat. It makes you want to cry but it's really good.
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